I was just chatting with a friend of mine on Facebook and she told me her daughther is about to be 8 years old.  It made me sad to hear that.  That is because 8 years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Jada.  She was perfect.  I was so in love with her. She was everything I had prayed for (except the part when I prayed for a boy).

When I was pregnant with her I prayed for her and read to her in utero. I stopped cursing. I wanted to be the best mommy I could be to her.  Well, at one of my pregnancy appointments the doctor noticed something wrong and sent me to a specialist.  I was stationed in Germany at the time and the BEST thing about being pregnant in Germany is that you get an ultrasound scan at every doctor appointment.  Thanks to that, my doctor was able to see an abnormality in Jada’s heart.  Jada had a heart disease called hypoplastic left heart syndrome.  I found out at 5 months and had to spend my pregnancy knowing my baby could die.  To top if off, my husband was in Iraq. So I was in Germany alone. It was the scariest time of my life. I cried everyday. I prayed for my baby and told her I loved her every chance I got.

I was so scared that Tino would not be in the delivery room with me because he was in Iraq and there was no guarantee that he would be in the delivery room with me. (Babies tend to deliver when they want to). But God being the AWESOME God that he is made it possible that my baby came into the world when her Papi made it home for R&R. I was so glad that he was able to see her birth.

At the time of her birth, I was back in the states. I was stationed at Ft. Campbell, Ky.  I was at the duty station all by myself.  Tino was still in Iraq and was able to get his R&R on May 10.  Jada wasn’t due until May 30.  But on May 12 she made her debut.  Her birth was scary. I was so nervous that I didn’t even know if I was in labor or not.  Then when she arrived I didn’t hear her cry and I was scared.  She had to go to the NICU.  She spent 3 weeks there.

Two weeks after her birth, my Papi had to go back to Iraq.  She was still in the NICU when he left.  A week later I got to bring her home. So I got to spend all this time with my baby by myself.  I was scared and nervous.

Long story short, one day four months later as I was leaving work to go to my car, my squad leader came running behind me screaming for me to give him my keys saying he needed to take me to the hospital. I was looking at him like he was crazy thinking, “Why does he need to take me to the hospital? I feel fine.”  It didn’t dawn on me until a few seconds (seemed like forever) later that something was wrong with my baby.  By the time we made it to the hospital, she was gone.  My baby was gone.  I got to go in the room and say goodbye to her.  I was sad. I had to go it all alone. My husband was out of Iraq, but back in Germany at the time. I had to call him and tell him his daughter was dead.  Her little heart couldn’t work for her any longer.

As I sit here writing this I am crying. I know I have 2 more babies and I feel so blessed to have them, but Jada was my first.  I think of her everyday and each milestone my girls achieve I wonder what Jada would have been like at that stage or looked like or how her temperament would have been.

God gave me double what was taken from me.  He makes no mistakes.  But as the holidays approach I get sad and nostalgic   Also, since Carrington turned 5 two weeks ago I have been thinking alot about Jada.  I feel like a piece of my heart is not here, a piece of my being is missing. This is the part of the holidays I don’t like.  We still celebrate her birthday and we kiss her urn we tell her we love her and we talk to the girls about her.  She is still a part of our family even though she is not here physically.  I just wish she was here.

I just want to say RIP my baby Jada. Mami, Papi, Grammy and your baby sisters love you so much.  I hope I get to see you again my love.  You are always in my heart.

Love, Mami